tear down the wall

It's been a little more than a year since I spoke to a doctor and said "I'm tired beyond words, all the time, everyday. All I can think about is to sleep. I feel so bad for myself. I'm not depressed but I've reached a point where I no longer want to get out of bed." (Which she pointed out to me kind of is one definition of depression.) Stress, anxiety, panic attacks, obsession with perfection. Racing the clock. Never feeling good enough. Always striving for more. Could not say no. I saw opportunities in everything and I worked hard, then worked even harder for people to see how hard I worked. Every time someone said "wow, I don't understand how you can manage!" it was like giving drugs to a junkie. I dealt with this every, single, day. I had to scream it out to the world and hope someone would pet me on the head and tell me how good I was. It feels good at the moment, but it's the most destructive patterns I've ever fallen into. No matter what I did, I was never satisfied. And most of all I didn't allow myself to rest, or even sleep. I worked day and night shifts for three days without sleeping, 38 hours of work.

Needless to say I was done. When we work hard for something we don't care about it's called stress. That shit breaks you down. It destroys you. I didn't realize this before I hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I think you need to experience what it feels like to know how goddamn important it is to never go there. I could never imagine.

A year has passed and I turned down medication and sick leave from work. That was the right choice for me. I knew I had to stick to my routines as getting out of bed for work and feel everyday that I have a purpose. A reason. It was my way of hanging in there without letting go and surrender.

I am not fully recovered. I'm still super tired in the morning. It's hard to know when to push myself and when to take some well-earned rest. I fight my demons and some days I lose but I always get up. I don't let my achievements define me. I take pride in who I am, even though that shit is hard sometimes. And I still work hard. For things I love, because of passion. I have a lot of that inside of me.

För övrigt anser jag att Karthago bör förstöras.

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